My Blog

Grief and Loss

Throughout my 27-year counseling career, I have helped many adults and children heal from grief and loss. Death is an abstract concept that is difficult for children to understand since they think concretely. I have many resources and techniques that I utilize with kids to help them understand and cope with loss. One of these is to show them a peanut in a shell. As long as there are no peanut allergies, I have them crack open the shell and eat the nut. I explain that the nut is the person's memory or soul that will always be inside of them, and the shell is the person's body that will disintegrate or turn to dust. It is imperative that children understand that death is permanent. In cartoons, television shows, and video games kids see characters "die" and then come back to life. In real life this is not going to happen.

Kids need to understand the physical reason of why someone dies. It is important to give them a brief explanation using simple and direct language. The goal is to help them to understand what happened and why their loved one has died. I have a few favorite books I often read to kids in therapy and then discuss. One is "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf," by Leo Buscaglia. It explains the cycle of life in simple terms that kids understand. Drawing pictures of the family before and after the death is another activity I use in therapy. Listening to the children tell the story of the death or loss is a healing experience, as well as an exercise I use called finish the sentence. Examples are since the loss my family doesn't... At school my friends said... When I'm alone I feel... It is important to acknowledge that all feelings are normal when you are grieving.

I tell children that we wash our bodies every day to be clean, it is like our bodies way of washing out some negative feelings we have inside us and can help us feel better, so it is okay to cry sometimes. I encourage families to be part of the counseling process, since a death or loss affects everyone. A death of a loved one is like a deep cut. At first it bleeds and is intensely painful. Yet over time, it heals, yet there will always be a slight scar. There is no exact time frame to "get over" a loss. It varies depending on the closeness of the relationship and how much support a person receives. Many people tend to isolate themselves and become depressed after the death of a loved one. That is why therapy is an important part in healing from the pain.

In therapy, I go over the stages of grief Elizabeth Kübler-Ross discovered. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some may go through all of these stages, and others only some. As a therapist, the patients present most often with depression and anger. Feelings are often manifested in various ways, many of which are unhealthy. It is important if you see changes in a person's sleep, mood, activity level, weight, social isolation, or alcohol or drug abuse, it is important to encourage them to get some help.

Besides death, there are many other losses children and adults experience more frequently in today's society, that can negatively impact mental health. Divorce, separation, infidelity, job loss, long term unemployment, moving away, changing residences, foreclosures, and deployment in the military are all sad events that people struggle with. Sometimes a person coping with these events needs an objective supportive person, that is not emotionally involved in their life to help them through these difficult times and transitions. I take pride in my ability to help children and adults cope with these losses, and have a wide repertoire of exercises and therapeutic activities to assist them on this journey towards wellness, acceptance, and positive mental health.

Some activities I use with adults are journaling, creating a memory book, scrapbook, or photo album to honor the deceased person's life. Of most importance is telling my clients not to let anyone tell them how they should feel, and to not tell themselves how to feel. Teaching them that they are allowed to feel their emotions and providing support are crucial to the healing process. Encouraging clients to take good care of themselves physically, avoiding alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, getting involved in a cause that was important to their deceased loved one, attending support groups, religious services, using social media for support, and attending individual therapy on a regular basis are very important.

In closing, I would be happy to assist you through the grieving process. You do not have to go through the pain alone. Often it helps to talk to an objective person that is not emotionally involved in your life.

As a licensed professional clinical counselor, I am available to be part of your healing process.

Laura Pembrook L.C.P.C. B.C.P.C. N.C.C.

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is when one parent psychologically manipulates their child to view the other parent as bad. The alienating parent does this by belittling, undermining, and speaking poorly of the other parent to the child. It most often occurs in children whose parents are going through a divorce, who are divorced, or are going through a custody battle. It is a form of child abuse because it creates confused emotions and damaged relationships. In severe cases, the negative influence results in the child refusing to see or speak with the parent who is targeted or alienated.

Some warning signs of parental alienation are when the child shows sudden negative changes in their attitude towards a parent, and when the child becomes uncharacteristically rude or disrespectful towards the target parent. The child may resort to one word answers, and fail to openly engage in conversations as they previously have done. The parent who is doing the alienating may refuse access to medical or school records, and a schedule of activities to the target parent. They may even set up temptations to interfere with visitations, or react with hurt or sadness to a child having a good time with the other parent.

The parent who is doing the alienating may use the child to spy or gather information about the target parent’s personal life. The children appear to have knowledge of details relating to the divorce, and may even be asked to choose one parent over the other. They may even go so far as allowing the children a choice whether or not to visit the parent even though the court has not empowered the parent or child to make that choice. The alienator parent often reminds the child that they have a right to be angry at the target parent. These children are given details about why the marriage failed, and are persuaded to side with the alienating parent.

The children are really victims when they are told that one of their parents is bad. Since they are one half of each parent, it hurts their self-esteem, creates confusion, and emotional problems. The alienated parent is on an emotional rollercoaster, and feels powerless and robbed of the close relationship they once with their child. They feel powerless and alone in a situation that they cannot control. The alienated parent suffers from strong emotional pain due to his or her children turning against him or her.

In recent years, Rise Against Parental Alienation groups have been available to support the target parent, although there are not many of them available. Individual therapy is essential to help the alienated parent in coping with the strong, painful emotions that occur as a result of Parental Alienation. Unfortunately, not many therapists or mental health professionals specialize in helping people with parental alienation. It is a very destructive family dynamic that inflicts pain, heartache, and severe emotional damage on the children, parents, and extended family members involved in these horrible situations.

I take pride in specializing in providing individual and family therapy for alienated parents and children. From personal and professional experience and research, I am here to instill hope, and hold a guiding light to those experiencing parental alienation. I assist with helping the alienated parent take the high road by not attacking the other parent back. I help my clients in these situations manage their feelings of anger, fear, depression, anxiety, worry, low self-esteem, and grief. I understand the alienated parents greatest wish is to restore their previous normal, loving relationship with their children.

In therapy sessions, I help the alienated parent intellectualize the situation since that is shown to help the healing process. I utilize a strength based approach and encourage the alienated parent to be consistent with their children offering stability and unconditional love despite the children’s behavior. It is crucial for the target parent to maintain empathy for their child. I help by focusing on the here and now and helping the target parent increase their social support network and identifying ways in which they can increase self-care. A large part of the therapy I provide is helping the alienated parents improve their emotional health, attitude, and perspective on life which are key components to surviving parental alienation. I help them cope with fear, teaching them the acronym for FEAR- future events appear real, despite our inability to predict the future. I encourage journaling and getting educated about parental alienation. There are a number of great books on the subject as well as internet support groups.

In therapy sessions, I encourage the alienated parent to never give up hope and focus on making whatever time they have with the child positive, warm, accepting, and loving. If the child has cut off contact with the alienated parent, I encourage him or her to continuing to reach out or make contact through text, phone calls or e-mails, sending gifts on birthdays or holidays, and consistently making efforts to get together. The most important point is for them to convey the message to their children that they are thinking of them and love them.

Another part of my therapy includes teaching the alienated parent coping skills for anger and depression. We identify healthy distractions to engage in to avoid obsessing over the situation. I encourage the target parent to give the child privacy by not bombarding him or her with questions. I encourage documenting incidents of parental alienation and journaling their feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I utilize emotion focused, cognitive behavioral therapy, and solution focused therapy techniques in my sessions. I am on guard for identifying any signs of PTSD or suicidal ideation.

I can assist children in processing their feelings of conflicted loyalty to one parent over the other. I also can assist them in managing feelings of anger, guilt, low self-esteem and depression all byproducts of parental alienation. These children need emotional support in a safe place that they can vent their emotions toward both parents without fear or judgment.

Alienated parents and children need an advocate, a sounding board, and a motivating, encouraging person to help them through this nightmare of parental alienation. I would be honored to be your therapist on this journey towards improved mental health, outlook, and family reunification.

Laura Pembrook L.C.P.C. B.C.P.C. N.C.C.

Are you an Avoider or Pleaser?

What are the similarities between the avoider and the pleaser? Neither style likes to deal with negative messy emotions. Pleasers don't like conflict so they avoid difficult feelings. Avoiders have no training from childhood in how to enter into emotions and deal with feelings. To the avoider, feelings are a foreign language they don't speak. If an avoider and pleaser marry they will likely report that they rarely fight. This is because each avoids problems as problems involve difficult emotions. Pleasers and avoiders both minimize bad news as they don't have the skills to deal with challenging emotions.

How are these two styles different? Pleasers are more empathetic than avoiders and will try and indirectly "fix" and make things better. They want to alleviate suffering and make it go away by excusing, distracting, minimizing, and looking at the "bright side". To the pleaser love equals rescuing others from having to experience difficult emotions or consequences. This style is the classic co-dependent who needs to be needed. Pleasers view consequences as unpleasant and will have difficulty letting a family member experience the negative consequences of their actions and choices. Rather than letting others learn from mistakes, pleasers rescue people from consequences.

Unlike pleasers, avoiders lack empathy and think every mistake should have a consequence because they put such high value on responsibility. While pleasers can be too soft, avoiders can be too harsh. Having received little grace and tenderness as kids, these are foreign concepts to avoiders. Avoiders show love by being responsible and doing tasks. While pleasers "fix" difficult emotions, avoiders dismiss difficult emotions by saying things like, "Settle down," "Stop crying, it won't change anything," "Forget it and move forward".

Both of these styles need to learn to identify feelings and explain their internal experiences. Pleasers need to develop boundaries and the emotion of anger. Avoiders need to learn to take their stress to people and learn to receive empathy so they can understand the value of comfort and the relief it can bring. The avoider has difficulty understanding or valuing comfort until they allow themselves to need. When analyzing your relationships, which one are you?

By Laura Pembrook L.C.P.C, N.C.C, B.C.P.C